4:04 am – may third - two thousand twelve
i sat upright in bed startled…by something?! by nothing?!…a sense of uneasiness sitting in the pit of my stomach like a rock.
i layed back down and closed my eyes willing my mind to go back to sleep, trying to ignore whatever it was that woke me up in the first place. listening to the rise and fall of sleep around me. funny thing, i am here, at my parents house, sleeping in my parents bed WITH my MOM AND MY GIRLS, ha ( and for the record, daddy cheeks is in houston, he wasnt all alone in the other room or anything). yep i will freely admit it right at this very moment that i may have slept with my mom one too many nights past one too many birthdays, and maybe this night was or was not one of those. but nonetheless there i was teetering on the edge of a king size bed with both girls stacked on top of eachother and on top of me and my tingling arm reaching out to feel my mom on the other side (with a ton of space to be all sprawled out on, i might add…of which she was not, she was huddled right next to cheeks #1).
i layed there, for real wide awake at this point, smelling a mixture of carefree cartwheels in the grass, aveeno baby shampoo, and a little hint of dora, crest toothpaste.
….oh the magic of mommy moments….
4:29 am my arm is beyond feeling, so i finagle my way off of the sliver of bed i managed to balance on and got up.
my mind is a funny thing it never stops, really, as in N-E-V-E-R, but i still couldnt shake whatever it was that woke me up in a panic.
so i sat, in the dark in the quiet, all alone.
finally…i knew, and it hurt.
you see a few months ago my new friend amy lucy asked me to be a part of something special. She had gathered a circle of women, of photogs around the u.s. who had daughters and she wanted us to take part in sharing “letters to our daughters” each month. but in my ins and outs, my daily ups and my daily downs, my MIND got in the way. While i was overcome with the idea i couldnt commit. My mind rolled through the million things i have to do, the million other thing i need to do and the other million things i wanted to do…my mind said “no maam your plate is full”, i convinced myself my yearly birthday letters were good enough. i sadly declined.
a month or so past and apparently this NOT SO FULL feeling decided to grow inside the pit of my stomach, it needed to wake me up.
this morring, sandwiched on a bed with my mom and my babies. the irony of it is not lost on me by the way.
my heart is fighting my mind. the mommy guilt that i shoo away in my friends, was staring me in the face. WITH GOOD REASON! how on earth could i have said thanks but no thanks!? WHY am i saying no to my babies?!
so thats it, im NOT.
while i can not be a part of amy’s amazing group as they have already launched the circle and life will surely try to get in my way bc i have no one to hold me accountable for posting i will follow my heart.
bc every day is a fresh start, a day to make right what went wrong yesterday, a day to be better, a day to fail, a day to learn, a day to teach…
everyday is a blessing and none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.
life will NOT get in the way of me LIVING!
so this post, while not in letter format and minus any images (bc i am not on my own computer of course) is my first letter to my daughters…
wont you join me?! encourage me and others?! hold me accountable?! share with me?!
learn with me.